Dead Dog Dreams

08:18 AM

Dreamed about Ellie - our lovely, much missed, Saluki. We had to have her killed (I hate the term 'put to sleep') three years ago, and in my dream I was driving her to the vet for the Injection of Death. Woke up with a wet pillow and too many doggy memories!

She's buried in the garden, so I shall make a point of saying hello to her this morning.

08:27 AM

Just found this in an old computer file. Nearly four years ago, then.

Monday, November 28, 2005

A Trivial Death

Yesterday my dog died.

To be more accurate, yesterday I put my dog on her lead, walked her (slowly) to my car, lifted her in, drove to the vet's surgery, and paid £35 to have her killed.

I did it for the best of reasons. I did it because she was ill, there was no hope of cure, and she was suffering.

But I still feel like shit. I still feel I've done something I had no real right to do.

12:30 PM

Don't know if it was Dead Dog Thoughts, but Rose is talking about booking a cheapo October holiday on a Greek Island. Santorini. Looks like a good plan to me!

01:19 PM

Holiday booked! Ha!

Sneezing and Dying

08:13 AM

Woke up with an out-of-control nose. Ten minutes of non-stop, violent sneezing. Face screwed up, eyes watering, body frozen as the sneeze builds... all that sneezy stuff.

There was a young guy on local TV a while ago who had been hiccupping for the past two or three years. Unable to stop. The TV people treated it as a bit of a joke at first, but it's ruined his life. Non-stop, violent sneezing would be even worse. It leaves you utterly knackered after only ten minutes!

I find things like that interesting. The little person inside your head who thinks s/he's in charge gets a disconcerting kick up the backside when the body suddenly decides it's going to do something unbidden. The illusion of control gets its foundations shaken, and we don't like that one little bit. Oh no we don't.

The ultimate body-decision is death, I suppose. Regardless of what the mind, the ego, the soul (call it what you like) wants, the body eventually decides enough is enough and stops working.

I remember lying in bed on holiday somewhere (Egypt, I think) and hearing an awful scream coming from the room above. A woman in dreadful distress, screaming things like: No! No! This can't be happening! over and over again.

We later learned her husband had a heart attack and died in bed, right next to her.

This can't be happening!

But it was, and it did - no matter how much she denied it.

Slightly worse than my sneezing fit, I guess.

09:19 AM

Just discovered a guitarist whose fingers I may have to break. Nobody should be that good!

10:18 AM

(Not Egypt, Rose tells me. Skopelos. Must be wonderful to have a memory.)

03:22 PM

Just learnt and recorded a new song. The Rose. Nice and sloppy.

Fame

03:52 AM

Visiting an old friend today: someone I've known for 36 years. (Just worked that out by counting on my fingers! Well, it is 03:52 am.)

Thirty-six years. Good grief!

Anyway, my friend's older brother is a Very Famous Person. Politician. Member of the UK cabinet, and a face most people in the UK would recognise immediately. My friend looks a lot like him.

We rarely talk about his brother - I remember him saying once that being the younger brother of a Very Famous Person can be a bit of a drag - but today I might break that unspoken rule and ask him a few questions, because I've been thinking about fame.

I wonder how it feels to be recognised wherever you go. To see yourself on TV several times a week, to read about yourself in newspapers, to meet members of your own family who know the real you, but are also exposed to the public you.

And how do you cope with the internal conflicts that must exist? The tension between what the world says about you, and your own self-knowledge?

Most people (especially young people) would love to be famous, it seems.

I have a sneaky feeling I'd hate it with a mighty hatred.

How to Stop Thinking...

10:18 AM

Was chatting to a friend (Aileen) this morning and the book The Power of Now came up. Living in the present and calming the Thought Monkeys is one of Eckhart Tolle's main themes, and after I finished chatting I re-read some of it.

He suggests a useful experiment.

Close your eyes and say to yourself: 'I wonder what my next thought is going to be?' Then become very alert and wait for the next thought. Be like a cat watching a mouse hole. What thought is going to come out of the mouse hole?

It can take quite a long time for the next thought to stick its thinky nose out of the hole. While you're waiting, you have that rare thing - a quiet mind!

03:11 PM

Been shopping. I usually hate shopping, but I'm finding even that can be pleasant if you shift perspective.

Instead of thinking: I don't want to be here... I don't want to be doing this... I can't wait for this tedious time to pass so I can get back to a state of Not Shopping...

I accepted the fact that I was in a shop. I was shopping, and that was fine. There were interesting things to look at; interesting people to watch doing the strange things people do; a chance to play cars with the shopping trolley...

It was OK.

Shenpa

06:49 AM

My wife Rose wanted me to do something yesterday - strim the grass and nettles at the base of the garden hedge. We have a very long garden, so it's a time-consuming job.

I didn't particularly want to do it, so I put it off for a while. I was happy doing what I was doing.

When she asked me for the second time, I felt a tightening inside. Irritation. The urge to say something snappy. I didn't, and I strimmed like a good boy should, but the situation and my reaction to it reminded me of something Pema Chodron writes about: Shenpa.

As usual with these Zen concepts, I didn't fully understand what she meant by it until sometime later - but I think I've got it now. Chodron writes:

If I were translating shenpa it would be very hard to find a word, but I'm going to give you a few. One word might be hooked. How we get hooked... shenpa is the itch and it's the urge to scratch. So, urge is another word. The urge to smoke that cigarette, the urge to overeat, the urge to have one more drink, or whatever it is where your addiction is.

She also gives an example of Shenpa in action:

Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens— that's the shenpa. Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself. And maybe if you have strong addictions, you just go right for your addiction to cover over the bad feeling that arose when that person said that mean word to you. This is a mean word that gets you, hooks you. Another mean word may not affect you but we're talking about where it touches that sore place— that's a shenpa. Someone criticizes you—they criticize your work, they criticize your appearance, they criticize your child— and, shenpa: almost co-arising.

I often see this happening in other people, but it can be harder to see it in yourself. When you do see/feel it - when you get that tightening, that urge to strike back (and the strike can be something as simple as a sigh or a weary look in the eye) - you have a momentary chance to stand back from the Shenpa. A chance to stop the process before it starts rolling.

If it does start rolling, odds are you're in for an argument, or for several hours of simmering, unspoken, mutual resentment.

Personally, I'd rather strim the hedge.

Thought Monkeys & Obedient Dogs

01:08 PM

Walked my dog this morning and noticed something interesting.

I've been working on Not Thinking - on stopping the constant flow of thoughts that almost all of us spend our waking time paying attention to - and one of the best times to do that is during my walk with Kate. She's a wilful little bugger and likes to do what she wants, regardless of my instructions. For example, when we get back to the car she often refuses to jump in. If I wait long enough she will, but sometimes I'm in a rush so I pick her up, dump her in the back and close the door on her.

Today, however, she got in with no fuss at all. In fact, her behaviour was excellent throughout the walk - and these past few days it's generally been much better than usual.

I'm wondering if that's because my state of mind is different and she's picking up on something in me. A calmer, more measured Ravenscroft.

Interesting.

Regarding Not Thinking, I've been reading some of Eckhart Tolle's stuff on the process (or perhaps on the lack of process).

He's a bit New Age for my tastes, but a lot of what he says fits in with my own thinking. (Ha! See how hard it is to avoid doing it?)

Tolle says:

'Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don’t realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness...'

Exactly.

And if Kate's behaviour is anything to go by, when my thought monkeys are quiet, I have more natural authority... at least as far as dogs are concerned.

Another Early Start

04:15 AM

Up early (very!) to get some work done because Rose and I have arranged to drive to Billingborough to meet some friends this afternoon.

08:35 AM

Got the work done and delivered (isn't email a wonderful thing?) and am feeling disgustingly virtuous - if slightly knackered. Now I can concentrate on the important stuff: getting clean, getting dressed, getting some more coffee.

Making the Most Of It

08:30 AM

So, yesterday's question remains unanswered.

"Since death alone is certain and the time of death uncertain, what should I do?"

I suppose the obvious answer is: live as fully as possible...

I'm 55. I may have another 40 years ahead of me, or I might not see the sun come up tomorrow - so while I have this utterly weird thing called life, I guess I ought to make the most of it.
But how do I do that? How do I make the most of my life?
Chew on that for a while, Ravenscroft.

09:18 AM

A few top-of-the-head things that obviously do NOT equate to 'making the most of it...'

• buying as many objects as possible, then buying some more
• becoming famous
• having as much sex as possible (and then, if not too sore, having some more)
• having (and enjoying) power over other people
• being over-concerned about weight, facial features, general physical appearance
• being over-concerned about the opinions other people may have of you
• being mentally crippled NOW by memories of past experiences
• being mentally crippled NOW by worries relating to possible future experiences

01:42 PM

Any of the above could be blog posts in their own right (and I expect some of them will be at some point in the future) - but the final two on that list are most vivid to me at the moment.

For the past few days I've been making a conscious effort to become fully aware of the present: not the present day, hour, minute or even second... but the present instant. Now. The moment just before I hit the key that will type a full stop at the end of this sentence.

There it was. Gone now. I'm in another present instant, and as I write those words, that instant too is in the past. Gone.

Spending as much time (whatever that is!) in the present moment is the key to something that I'm only now beginning to explore. As I think I said in a previous post, this blog is one of the tools I'm using to explore that something. Whatever it is, I can sense that it's very powerful and it's going to alter the way I see things and the way I relate to other people.

Quite exciting, really.

02:01 PM - And here are the Anton's Gowt Pics Rose took yesterday.

What Should I Do?

08:58 AM

Been re-reading Stephen Batchelor's book Buddhism Without Beliefs.

Keep coming back to one line that he suggests as a possible consideration during meditation:

"Since death alone is certain and the time of death uncertain, what should I do?"

That's one hell of a question.

What I should do right now is make another cup of coffee and post this entry - but I think I'll be giving this more consideration later today.


06:23 PM


It became too hot and sunny to ponder such things - so we took the dog for a walk by the river instead. Anton's Gowt. Sounds like a rather disgusting disease, but in fact it's a very pretty place. Rose took her camera, so no doubt there will be pics to follow.


Plenty of time for Death tomorrow, I expect.

I'm Right - And You're Wrong!

12:14 PM

During my walk with Kate the Dog this morning, I heard a couple having a heated argument. They were in the RSPB bird hide beside the path that leads around the lagoon, but they were loud enough and angry enough for me to catch some of their words as I plodded by. The woman kept saying to the man: 'You're wrong. You're wrong - and you know you're wrong. Why can you never admit that?'

It set me thinking about the times I've known I was wrong about something, but I've refused to acknowledge the fact. Of course, these situations usually crop up within emotionally-charged relationships, and the ones I can most clearly call to mind all come from my closest relationship - the one I have with my wife.

When you're in the middle of an emotion-based argument and your brain tells you: shit, she has a pretty good point there... - what is it that clenches its little fists, puffs up its chest, and goes into attack mode? What is it that refuses to back down, refuses to say: Yes, you're right. I'm sorry... ?

Why do we find it so hard to do that?

It seems to me we all have a self-created (well, partly self-created, partly created by the World and everything we've experienced in it) little boy or little girl sitting in the centre of our brain - and also in our guts - that will do almost anything to avoid admitting fault. To avoid being wrong. To avoid having to change.

One of the reasons I'm writing this blog is because I actually want to change: I know that an awful lot of change is required. And tapping out these words helps me find pathways into the messed-up complexity of my own Little Boy.

I shall track down all the places where he's got it wrong, and I shall show him what he needs to be shown.

I have a feeling he might put up a bit of a fight - but I'm bigger than him.

So he'd better start assembling his defences.

01:56 PM

I'm delighted to say my Thought Monkey Pic seems to be doing its job. Whenever that constant stream of internal chatter starts up - whether it's a remembered conversation, a snippet of a TV jingle, or worries about the lump I've found in my left testicle (nothing huge, but I've made an appointment with the doc) - I just mentally call up my Thought Monkey Pic and say Hush, Monkey a few times. Crazy, but it works.

Early Start

05:21 AM

Up early this morning because I have to get some press releases written and emailed before the fine people from Powergen cut our electricity supply. Essential work, they tell me. I think they just like playing Tarzan on the telegraph poles.

Strange that we still call them telegraph poles. I've never sent anyone a telegraph - not once in my entire life. And I don't intend to start now.

We'll have to rename them Internet Poles.

12:10 PM

We have power again, and the postman brought me a very welcome cheque. Reasons to be cheerful, one and two.

12:31 PM

Reason to be cheerful number three.

Birth Under The Microscope

01:54 PM

Two years ago I got hold of a decent stereoscopic microscope. Ex lab stock that cost a couple of hundred pounds. No good for looking at blood cells or wriggling sperm, but fantastic for examining mini beasts, insect eyes, the details of tiny flowers etc.

Rose and I walked Kate the Dog together this morning, and Rose found a thin stem of plant that had some purple stuff on it. Looked like a kind of mould. Brought it home for a (much) closer look.

Glad we did, because under the microscope the fabulous reality was revealed. What looked like purple mould was in fact hundreds of tiny eggs, and the microscopic caterpillars coiled inside them were busy hatching.

Fantastic.

I've just witnessed an explosion of caterpillar birth, including the pauses as they rested for a while from the effort of chewing through the egg.

Life, eh? Good, innit?

God, I love YouTube!

Living in the Present with Dennis Potter

12:01 AM

About six months ago, I began to meditate on a (fairly) regular basis. Nothing too heavy. Just a couple of 20 minute sessions per day. After a while, I noticed some changes in myself. A marked reduction in my pulse-rate, a quietness, a welcome sense of calm.

I like calm.

I briefly considered the idea of going on a Zen retreat. Lots to learn, I thought. Might be good to spend some time with people on the same path, see how they approached the learning. So in preparation I joined a Buddhist website.

I found a bunch of people busy ripping lumps out of each other because some believed in reincarnation, some did not; some ate meat, some did not; some wore their underpants backwards, some did not...

I thought I'd do my own thing for a while.

So that's what I did. I read a book or two, did a bit of thinking, meditated. In particular, I tried to stop regretting the past and worrying about the future.

I tried to live in the present moment.

It's not easy, but I seem to be getting better at it.

Here's Dennis Potter's final interview, recorded in 1994 just a few weeks before he died. Through the wonders of the Internet I found the bit that, even then, made a huge impression on me.

Dennis Potter's Final Interview

The only thing you know for sure is the present tense...

The nowness of everything is absolutely wondrous...

If you see the present tense - boy do you see it...

It's sad that even someone as exceptional as Dennis Potter had to wait until weeks before his death before he had that insight. As far as I can tell, most people never see it.

I'm an atheist. I don't believe in any kind of traditional God, or in the reality of supernatural events.

But I do believe that living in the present moment is a key. A key that unlocks doors that most people never even know are there. Doors that lead to places where there is less suffering, less discontent and bottles of Guinness hanging from the trees.

Monkey Mind

01:55 PM

Mind monkey or Monkey mind, from Chinese xinyuan and Sino-Japanese shin'en 心猿 [lit. "heart-/mind-monkey"], is a Buddhist term meaning "unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable".

(Thanks, Wikipedia.)

Been looking for an image to illustrate the monkey mind I wrote about earlier. Or rather an image I can call up when I want to calm my own monkey mind. Think I've found it!

05:18 PM

Done lots of garden stuff this afternoon, and used the time to think about thoughts. About thought itself.

The fact that we can think is utterly amazing. Our thoughts allow us to solve problems, create art, build computers, manipulate the world around us. Thinking is generally thought to be a Good Thing.

And yes, generally speaking thinking is a Good Thing.

But there's another side to the coin of thought. A darker side.

Thinking has run out of control. Most people are unable to turn off that constant stream of thought - unable to Not Think. And there are dangers in that situation. Here there be dragons.

Lawns & Lurchers

02:28 PM

Just mowed the lawn. Well, one of the bloody lawns!

I know it's good for me. I know I should just settle into it, get into the rhythm, enjoy the process of making a small corner of the universe slightly more tidy. One finger raised in the face of entropy. But something deep inside me wants to jump up and down and scream its little head off:'You're wasting your time, Ravenscroft! Grass grows! Next week, you'll have to do it all over again - so just smash the Flymo and go to the pub instead!'

06:12 PM

How to hide behind a dog. Pic of me and Kate, taken during yesterday's walk around Snipe Dales.

Zen and the Art of Drinking Coffee

09:00 AM

Just spent five minutes drinking coffee. Did my very best during that five minutes to do nothing but drink coffee, and experience all the coffee-related input delivered by my senses: the complex aroma of the stuff, the warmth and the taste in my mouth, what it feels like as the coffee goes down the tubes, the heat of the cup, the sound of one lip slurping... all that Zen business.

It's not easy. In fact, it's really hard to shut down what the Buddhists call 'the monkey mind' - to stop that constant internal chatter.

Time for another cup so I can get some more practice.

11:03 AM

All that coffee got me thinking about Zen (which I guess is almost a contradiction in terms). A friend of mine sent me a link recently to a talk by Eckhart Tolle that I found interesting. If you have an hour and a half to spare (yes. it is that long) and you fancy watching and listening, the talk is here.

Try to ignore the slightly cheesy opening scene and Tolle's annoying (at first) ultra-slow delivery. If you stick with it, you might find it both informative and relaxing - which is a pretty rare combination.

Thanks for the link, Robyn.

07:20 PM

Pleasant day today. Rose and I went to Snipe Dales for a walk in the woods. Took Kate the Dog. At one point, the Red Arrows flew overhead, no doubt on their way to a display somewhere. Sun shone. Birds sang. The few people we met looked happy in the sunshine. Rose took pics.

Life can be pretty good sometimes.